EP179: Empathy, Projection, and the Stories We Tell Ourselves
EMPATHY IS BEAUTIFUL…
…until it is unintentionally misused.
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Recently, I found myself standing in the parking lot of a Division I football stadium in Iowa, watching my 15-year-old son walk toward his first high school football camp. It was a big moment for him—and for me as a mom.
But something surprising happened.
While he looked calm and collected, I felt a wave of nervous energy. Thoughts swirled through my mind:
What if he doesn’t belong here?
What if he’s questioning himself?
Is he really ready for this?
And then it hit me—I was carrying imposter syndrome on his behalf.
Not based on anything he said. Not based on how he was acting.
Just based on my own stuff.
What I Thought Was Empathy Was Something Else
At first, I chalked it up to empathy. I’ve always seen empathy as one of my superpowers. I’m a deeply feeling, people-focused person. But in this moment, something felt different.
I wasn’t feeling with him—I was assuming what he might be feeling. I was overlaying my own fears, memories, and nervousness onto his experience.
That’s when I realized: this wasn’t just empathy. It was projected empathy.
The Three Layers of Emotional Experience
As I reflected more, I started to differentiate between three emotional dynamics:
Empathy – The ability to understand and share the feelings of others.
Being an Empath – Deeply absorbing others’ emotions as if they are your own.
Projected Empathy – Imagining what someone else might be feeling, based on your own experiences or fears, and then reacting to that imagined reality.
In this case, I wasn’t tuned into my son’s emotions. I was tuned into mine and then assigning those to him—without his permission, and without even checking in.
Projected Empathy in Leadership
This isn’t just a parenting thing. It shows up in leadership all the time.
Here are just a few examples of what projected empathy might look like in the workplace:
1. Holding Back Tough Feedback
You’ve struggled with receiving criticism, so you assume a team member will take it personally. As a result, you sugarcoat or skip the feedback—robbing them of a growth opportunity.
2. Rescuing During a Presentation
A team member presents to senior leadership. You remember how nervous you were in their shoes, so you step in too quickly to help—undermining their confidence.
3. Assuming Discomfort in a New Setting
You invite someone to a high-level meeting. You assume they feel overwhelmed—so you speak on their behalf, simplify content, or avoid calling on them.
In all of these situations, your reaction is based on your own narrative—not theirs. And it might limit their ability to grow, lead, and shine.
Why We Do It
Projected empathy often comes from a good place. It’s rooted in care, awareness, and protection. But it can also be a response to:
Past experiences of insecurity
Perfectionist or people-pleasing tendencies
Desire to manage outcomes or avoid discomfort
Sensitivity to unspoken emotional cues
Some personality types—like those who lead with high Green or Blue energy in Insights Discovery—may be more prone to this. They tend to be relationship-focused, conscientious, and emotionally intuitive.
But any of us can fall into this trap.
The Cost of Projected Empathy
While empathy is essential in leadership, projected empathy can:
Create assumptions that misguide action
Lead to micromanaging or overfunctioning
Prevent others from owning their experience
Erode psychological safety through unintended signaling
Emotionally exhaust the leader
The biggest cost? We stop trusting people to be ready.
And sometimes, what they really need is not our nervousness—but our belief in them.
What to Do Instead
Here are a few shifts that can help:
Pause and ask: Is this emotion mine or theirs?
Get curious: “How are you feeling about this?” or “What kind of support would be helpful right now?”
Challenge assumptions: Ask yourself, What else could be true?
Notice your patterns: When are you most likely to project?
Hold space, don’t carry the weight: You can care deeply without taking on the responsibility for someone else’s emotional state.
And don’t swing too far to the opposite extreme, where you cut off care or connection. The goal is compassionate leadership with boundaries.
The Leadership Moment That Matters
As for me and that football camp moment? I caught myself just in time. I stopped, breathed, and dialed up my belief in him.
He didn’t need my fear—he needed my faith.
That’s the kind of leadership moment we all face every day.
What Do You Think?
Do you find yourself sometimes leading from assuming instead of trust?
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