EP224: Listen Like it Matters [Because it Does]
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I was in a conversation recently where I could see it happening in real time — the person I was talking to had that look. The wheels were spinning. They were waiting for their turn to talk.
And you know what? I've done it too. Most of us have.
We think we're pretty good listeners. But I want to challenge that today, because listening — truly listening — is one of the most important leadership skills there is. And most leaders are doing it without even realizing they're not fully present.
The Connection Key and Why Listening Lives There
If you've been following along, you know my Three Keys to Leadership Magic are Character, Confidence, and Connection. And listening? It falls squarely under the Connection key.
Connection in leadership is relational. It starts with connection to self — that inside-out approach I always talk about — and extends to the people you lead. It's about building trust and psychological safety. It's about creating environments where people feel seen, valued, and able to do their best work.
When leaders invest in real connection, teams strengthen. Cultures shift. And the ripple extends far beyond the workplace into the lives of the people we lead.
Listening is one of the most direct paths to that kind of connection.
Two Modes of Listening
There are essentially two modes we operate in:
Listening to respond — forming your answer while the other person is still talking, jumping in the moment there's a pause, steering the conversation toward what you want to address, or half-listening while multitasking.
Listening to understand — staying curious instead of evaluating, sitting with what's actually being said before deciding what it means, and noticing what's underneath the words: body language, emotion, tone.
Neither mode is about bad intentions. Listening to respond is often just a habit. But it has a cost.
What Leaders Lose When They're Not Listening to Understand
Most leaders don't even realize they're doing it. But the impact is real:
Employees stop sharing. If they don't feel heard, real concerns and ideas go unspoken. Misinterpretation creeps in — and that leads to bad decisions, missed opportunities, and assumptions that take teams down the wrong path. People feel unseen. Disengagement follows. Trust erodes. Productivity drops.
I coached a leader once who thought he had a communication problem. He couldn't figure out why his messages weren't landing. But when we dug in, it wasn't a communication problem — it was a listening problem. He walked into every conversation with a preloaded story: what his team members should be thinking, feeling, and doing. And because that story was already running in his head, he wasn't actually hearing what people were saying. He was just confirming what he already believed.
I've also been on the other side of this. Early in my career, I had a leader who just didn't hear me. Not all the time, but enough. And slowly, I stopped sharing. I gave one-word answers. I went quiet — not because I had nothing to say, but because I learned it didn't matter.
Imagine that at scale. An entire team that stops sharing because they don't feel heard. It can permeate an entire organization.
Here's the bottom line: you cannot build real trust if people don't feel heard. It is the foundation of connection.
Why Listening Can Feel Hard
It's not just about being busy or distracted — though those are real. It goes deeper.
A sense of urgency to fix or help can make it hard to slow down and actually listen. If your default is to solve quickly, your brain is already in solution mode before the person finishes their sentence.
Discomfort with silence or uncertainty is another one. Real listening sometimes means pausing — and that pause can feel uncomfortable. So we rush to fill the space.
The belief that good leaders have all the answers is genuinely dangerous. If you believe that, you'll spend conversations generating answers instead of listening.
And then there are emotional reactions. If something someone says triggers you — stress, frustration, a memory of a hard experience — your logical brain takes a back seat. The emotional brain steps in. And when that happens, it's hard to stay open and really hear.
These are human things. They're not character flaws. But they are worth noticing.
Five Ways to Shift Your Listening
1. Know yourself. This is always the starting point. Your personality and communication preferences shape how you listen by default. Insights Discovery is one powerful tool for this — understanding whether you lead with Fiery Red (rushing to results), Cool Blue (dissecting information), Sunshine Yellow (excited to jump in), or Earth Green (focused on making others feel comfortable) helps you get ahead of your own patterns. Know your default, and you can be intentional about shifting it.
2. Notice the thought or feeling you're carrying into the conversation. Before you walk in, do a quick check. Are you thinking here we go again or I already know what they're going to say? If the thought isn't helpful, clean it up. Replace it with something like: I'm here to listen and understand. That small reset can change everything.
3. Pause before you speak. When someone finishes talking, give yourself two or three seconds before you respond. Use that space to actually absorb what was said. If it feels awkward, name it — Can I take a moment to think about that?That's not weakness. That's presence.
4. Ask at least one more question before you offer a solution. If someone brings you a problem, resist the urge to fix it immediately. Try: What part of this feels most challenging for you? or What have you already tried? or What do you think the next move is? Slowing down the rush to fix does two things: it surfaces information you might have missed, and it develops the other person's own problem-solving capacity. That's leadership.
5. Reflect back before you move forward. This one gets missed a lot — and it's so powerful. Before you respond, try: What I'm hearing you say is... and then reflect what you heard. It signals that you were listening. It makes the person feel genuinely heard. And it gives you a chance to course correct if you misunderstood. Saying I got it or I understand isn't enough — the other person doesn't know what you understood. Reflecting it back closes that gap.
Your Challenge This Week
Think about a recent conversation — either as the listener or as the person sharing. Was the connection there? Or was someone (maybe you) listening to respond instead of to understand?
Now ask yourself: what would that conversation have looked and felt like if real listening had been present?
This week, go have a conversation. Resist the urge to respond immediately. Stay curious for one beat longer, even if it feels a little uncomfortable.
Then notice what changes.
Your leadership is important. And to be truly impactful, the Connection key is everything.
You are the magic.
What Do You Think?
Which mode of listening is your default?
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