EP219: Stop Sabotaging Your Success - Lessons from The Big Leap
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The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks sat on my shelf for years. It wasn't until a coach I work with, Jamie Berman, mentioned she bases some of her teachings on this book that I finally picked it up. And it didn't take long to read. It's a quick one. But I found it so, so good.
What struck me most was how deeply it connects to the work I do with leaders every single day — specifically around the gap between where we are now and where we want to be. In coaching, I talk a lot about the current self and the future self. Sometimes that gap is a skill gap, a strategy gap, or a resource gap. Often it's a thought gap. A mindset issue.
The Big Leap talks about that too — but through a different lens. It's about the invisible ceiling you've set for yourself. And that resonated deeply.
The Upper Limit Problem
The core concept of the book is this: we all have an internal thermostat for how much good we believe we're allowed to have — how much success, joy, love, recognition, or money we feel worthy of. Those beliefs come from all kinds of places: our personality, messages from parents or teachers, society, our own experiences.
And when we start to exceed that internal upper limit? We unconsciously pull ourselves back down. We self-sabotage.
It's not about being incapable. It's about being uncomfortable with expansion.
Here are some common upper limit behaviors you might recognize in your own leadership:
Having a big win — and then picking unnecessary conflict right afterward
Feeling great momentum — followed by sudden self-doubt
Overthinking or procrastinating right when things start to flow
Deflecting praise or downplaying success ("It wasn't a big deal. I just got lucky.")
Getting sick or creating chaos when things start to feel too good
Here's a leadership-specific example: a leader who just got promoted and suddenly starts second-guessing every decision — not because their skills changed, but because their internal thermostat hasn't caught up with their new level.
We talk a lot about the fear of failure. But what if it's actually the fear of expansion?
The Four Hidden Beliefs
Gay Hendricks identifies four root beliefs that drive upper limit behavior. Read through these and see which ones feel familiar:
There's something fundamentally wrong with me. Imposter syndrome in disguise.
If I outgrow others, I'll lose belonging. A loyalty to the old identity — and everything that came with it.
My success makes me a burden. Taking on responsibility for everyone else's feelings that isn't actually yours to carry.
It's not safe to outshine. Playing small keeps the peace.
In my Three Keys to Leadership Magic framework, these hidden beliefs live at the Character level. They're rooted in our values, our stories, and the unconscious rules we've carried — often since childhood.
Personally, I can connect to all four of them. But especially number three — my success makes me a burden — and number four — it's not safe to shine. I've done a lot of work on both, but simply understanding these beliefs is powerful in itself. There is nothing wrong with you for having them. They are very, very common.
The Zone of Genius Framework
The book also introduces a framework that I find incredibly useful for leaders: the four zones.
Zone of Incompetence — things you're simply not good at. Delegate these.
Zone of Competence — things you can do, but so can many others.
Zone of Excellence — things you're praised for. It pays well. It feels safe.
Zone of Genius — something uniquely yours. Energizing. Effortless. Deeply impactful.
Here's the trap, especially for high achievers: most leaders live in the Zone of Excellence. It's safe. It's validating. It gets results and earns approval. But it quietly drains you — because you're not operating at your full potential.
This ties directly to the Confidence key in my framework. Operating in your Zone of Genius requires the kind of confidence that says: what I uniquely bring is enough. It means trusting yourself even when it means letting go of what you're praised for, so you can step into what is purely, effortlessly yours.
I'll share my own example. In corporate HR, my Zone of Excellence was execution — keeping everything in motion, implementing programs, managing complexity. A lot of Cool Blue energy at work. But my Zone of Genius? It's connecting with humans at a deep level. Helping people understand who they are, what's getting in their way, and what they can leverage. All of my Earth Green energy. That is what gives me joy, fulfillment, and a sense of true purpose. And stepping into it more fully is still a journey — but it's the right one.
The invitation: stop asking what you're good at and start asking what can only I do the way I do it.
Practical Tools for Expanding Your Capacity
The book offers several tools for breaking through your upper limit. A few that stood out to me:
The 10-second rule. When you notice an upper limit behavior — pause and breathe. Expand into the feeling rather than contracting away from it. Acknowledge the limiting belief that's surfacing, and find a way to reframe it rather than letting it shrink you.
Allow more joy. Instead of bracing for something to go wrong (which is what our brains are wired to do), practice letting things be good. Find the evidence for what's working and lean into it.
Claim 100% responsibility for your own experience. You are responsible for your experience — not for managing everyone else's emotions, reactions, or comfort. As leaders, we can absolutely influence others. But we are not responsible for owning their experiences. When we try to, it stops us. It shrinks us.
This last one ties to the Connection key in my framework. True connection — with your team, your peers, and yourself — requires you to stop managing everyone else's comfort at the expense of your own growth.
The Real Big Leap
This book isn't about doing more or pushing harder. It's about removing the ceiling you didn't even know you'd installed in yourself.
Leadership magic doesn't come from living in what you're excellent at. It comes from stepping into who you uniquely are — and understanding what might be getting in the way of that.
Go grab The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks. It's a quick read and worth every page. And if this episode resonated, share it with a leader in your life who needs permission to expand.
What Do You Think?
Where are you quietly shrinking right after things start to go well?
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