EP228: The Part of Leadership Development That Actually Changes Everything
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I've been doing leadership development for a long time. A really long time. And over the years, I've come to believe that there is one thing — one foundational thing — that changes everything when it comes to leadership impact. It's not the newest skill. It's not the most elegant framework, though both of those matter. It starts inside.
This episode was inspired by a moment in a coaching session I won't forget.
The Sentence That Said Everything
I was working with a client — a high-performing first-time leader — thirteen or fourteen sessions into a sixteen-week coaching engagement. We had done the work: Insights Discovery® profile, values exploration, identity work, future version visioning, limiting beliefs. All of it.
And then, mid-conversation, she said this:
"I was trying to become someone they wanted me to be. And now I'm becoming the person I want to be."
She said it like it was just part of a sentence. I heard it like it was the whole point.
That quote became this episode. Because I think a lot of people are living in the first half of that sentence — and I want to talk about what it takes to get to the second half.
Who Is "They," Anyway?
When my client said they, she wasn't pointing to one specific person. And that's exactly the point. "They" might be your organization, your boss, your team. They might be feedback you received years ago and quietly made into a rule. They might be the accumulated weight of performance reviews and social cues that, over time, told you who you were supposed to be.
The drift doesn't happen all at once. Nobody wakes up and decides to abandon themselves. It's gradual, subtle — and it almost always starts with something that looks like a strength.
The Three Patterns I See Most Often
In my work with leaders, three patterns come up again and again. They look different, but they have the same destination: you end up further from yourself than you ever intended to be.
Perfectionism. It tells you that if you just get it right enough — perform well enough, deliver well enough, show up polished enough — you will be worthy. You will be safe. You will be enough. And so you chase the standard. But the standard keeps moving. And somewhere in that chase, you stop asking what you actually want, because what you want starts to feel beside the point.
People-Pleasing. This one is relational. It's reading the room and adjusting yourself to fit. Making sure everyone else is comfortable. Shrinking or expanding based on what you sense is needed. It often starts as a gift — genuine empathy, attunement, awareness of others. But when people-pleasing is in the driver's seat, you're not leading from your own values. You're leading from other people's comfort. Those are very different things.
Imposter Syndrome (what I call the inner villain). This is the sneaky one. It tells you that you don't actually belong where you are, that it's only a matter of time before someone figures out you're not as capable as they thought. So you compensate. You perform a version of yourself that seems more legitimate, more credentialed, more like whoever you think is supposed to be in the room. And in that process, the real you gets quieter and quieter.
Three patterns. One destination.
This Is Human — Hear Me Clearly
I want to be very clear about something: none of this is a character flaw. Not one of these patterns is a weakness.
This is what happens when human beings grow up in systems — families, schools, organizations, society — that give feedback, withhold approval, and reward certain behaviors over others. We learn to adapt. And that is actually pretty smart. We adapt to belong. We adapt to protect ourselves from failure, disappointment, and all those uncomfortable feelings.
Smart and sustainable are two different things. Smart and authentic are two different things.
I've never worked with a leader — not even one — who didn't have some version of at least one of these patterns operating in the background. I know them well. I've lived all three.
What the Second Half Sounds Like
When my client said, "I'm now becoming the person I want to be," there were tears. And they were different from tears earlier in our work together. These were the tears of oh my gosh, this feels real.
That word — now — was doing a lot of work. Not someday. Not I hope to. Now. Present tense. That is agency. That is someone who has looked clearly at her own patterns and made a decision.
She got there because she was willing to see her patterns without shaming herself for them. She was willing to name them. She did the hard work of asking where these deep-rooted beliefs were actually coming from. She got to a place of releasing judgment — of others, and of herself.
That is self-awareness. That is the pixie dust. That is the foundation for everything.
Because you cannot change what you cannot see. You can't manage what you don't know is in the driver's seat. Perfectionism, people-pleasing, imposter syndrome — they don't ask for permission. They just drive. And when you don't know they're driving, they keep going.
Self-awareness puts you back in the driver's seat. It gives you choice. And choice is everything.
What This Means for You
Ask yourself: where in your leadership — or anywhere in your life — have you been trying to become who they wanted you to be?
Maybe it shows up in how you lead your team. You manage to everyone else's comfort instead of leading from your own values. That's people-pleasing, and it has a cost.
Maybe it shows up in how you perform. You overprepare, overdeliver, hold yourself to a standard no one else is holding you to because somewhere along the way you learned that your value is in your output. That's perfectionism. And it's exhausting.
Maybe it shows up in how you think about your own development. You pursue the skills that were on your performance review instead of the growth that's calling to you from the inside.
Here's what I want you to hear: this is human. It's normal. And it's workable.
The goal isn't to white-knuckle your way out of perfectionism or stop caring what people think. That's not realistic and it's not the point. The goal is awareness. Knowing when it's happening. Asking: Is this really me? Is this my voice, or is this the voice of every piece of feedback I've ever received?
That awareness, practiced over time — often with support — gives you choice. And that choice changes everything.
You Are the Magic
My client is becoming the person she wants to be. Not because she's fixed — she was never broken. Not because perfectionism and people-pleasing have disappeared. But because she can see them now.
When you can see something, you can work with it. You can make a different choice.
That is the magic. That is what self-awareness gives you.
So I'll ask you: are you becoming who they want you to be — or who you want to be?
You don't have to have the answer. Just be willing to ask the question and sit with it. That willingness, that courage and curiosity to take a look — that's where it all begins.
After all, you are the magic. And it starts from the inside out.
What Do You Think?
Where in your leadership — or anywhere in your life — have you been trying to become who they wanted you to be?
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