EP236: The Human Skills (2): Mind-Management
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This is episode 2 of 8 the series called The Human Skills. We’re talking about what I believe are the top human skills for every leader to possess, to have, to master.
Here’s the why behind it. After 30-plus years of being a leader, coaching leaders, working with leaders, I can tell you that the thing that separates good leaders from the really impactful, truly great ones — it’s not the technical skills. Those play a part, for sure, but it’s truly the human skills. I don’t call them soft skills because they’re not soft. They are simply human, and they’re skills to have. They aren’t fixed traits. It’s not that you either have them or you don’t — they can be learned, built, and strengthened no matter where you’re starting from. And as AI and automation take over more of the routine stuff, this is where your real competitive advantage as a leader truly lives.
Last week was skill number one: self-awareness. This week, skill number two: mind management.
Same Circumstance, Different Result
Imagine you’re getting ready to have a difficult conversation with a team member. You’re feeling a little shaky, a little nervous. The thoughts running through your head might be something like, “I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m afraid they’re going to be mad at me. I don’t like having difficult conversations.” So you have the conversation, but the results aren’t what you were hoping for — either you were too nervous to say what needed to be said, or you tried so hard to keep the peace that you softened the actual message, and it didn’t land.
Now imagine the exact same circumstance, but your thoughts going in are, “I’m going in with an open mind. I’m okay with taking this conversation wherever it needs to go, and I’ll be present for it.” Same circumstance, completely different result — because this time you’re actually present. You can hear, you can listen, you can say what needs to be said.
That’s your mind at work.
The Core Premise
Your thoughts aren’t neutral. They’re not facts. They’re a lens into what’s actually going on, and they play a huge part in the results we create. But most of us never stop to check whether the lens is accurate. The skill is being able to notice — to manage your mind on purpose.
We have somewhere around 60,000 to 70,000 thoughts a day. Most run in the background; we’re not even aware of them. And of the ones we are aware of, the majority tend to be negative, because that’s how our brains are wired — to protect us, to keep us out of dangerous situations. When we let all of our thoughts run in the background without bringing any awareness to them, it’s a little like making cupcakes without a recipe. If you don’t get the flour just right, the cupcakes aren’t going to turn out. Our brains are an amazing asset, and when we’re really onto them, that’s where the magic can happen.
The Model
Our thoughts create our results. This isn’t a new or revolutionary concept — it shows up in different frameworks under different names. I learned it through my life coaching certification, where it’s called The Model, and I introduced it way back in episodes nine and ten if you want to go deeper.
Here’s how it works:
• Circumstance — neutral facts that anybody would agree on. A missed deadline. Actual words someone said. An appointment on the calendar.
• Thought — the thought we have about the circumstance. This is what actually drives everything else, not the circumstance itself.
• Feeling — the thought creates a feeling: dread, defensiveness, confidence, curiosity.
• Action (or inaction) — the feeling drives what we do or don’t do: avoid the conversation, overprepare, snap at someone, or really lean in and listen.
• Result — the action creates the result, and often that result reinforces the original thought, which is why the cycle repeats.
Here’s a quick example. The circumstance: a team member misses a deadline. That’s a fact — the deadline was set, the work wasn’t turned in.
If my thought is, “They’re not committed to this team,” that thought generates frustration, maybe distrust. From there, my actions might be micromanaging, or being cold toward that person. The result? The team member disengages further — which seems to prove the original thought right.
Now, same circumstance, different thought: “Huh, that’s unlike this team member. Something must be wrong.” That thought generates compassion, maybe curiosity. From that feeling, my action might be to have a conversation and ask questions, staying open instead of jumping to conclusions. The result might be that the team member tells me what’s actually going on.
You can’t change the circumstance. But you can change the thought — and that changes everything downstream.
Here’s the catch: when we don’t examine our thinking, we end up managing our feelings about the situation instead of managing the situation itself. Most leaders have never been taught that thoughts are optional, or that they’re something to examine. It’s not typically part of the curriculum growing up, and it’s rarely part of leadership development programs either. So we land at treating our thoughts like truth, instead of recognizing they’re just one interpretation among several — one that can be changed.
Limiting Beliefs
Limiting beliefs are especially sticky because they’re usually formed early in life — often before you even had a leadership career, though some develop along the way too. They operate below conscious awareness, which is why they can feel like part of your personality. They’re not. They’re part of your programming.
Some common limiting beliefs I hear in coaching:
• “I have to earn my worth.”
• “If I’m not the hardest worker, I don’t deserve a seat at the table.”
• “Showing uncertainty means I’m not capable.”
• “Emotions mean I’m a weak leader.”
• “I’m just not cut out to be a strategic thinker, an innovator, a risk-taker.”
• “I must be the problem.”
These beliefs aren’t a sign of low intelligence — very smart, very capable leaders run on limiting beliefs all the time. The barrier isn’t capability. It’s that no one ever taught you to question the thought instead of just accepting it as truth.
What To Do About It
1. Uncover the belief. Pick one recurring, frustrating result in your leadership — a pattern you notice showing up often. Then work backward through the model: What actions or inactions created that result? What feeling drove that action? What was I thinking right before I felt that? That’s the thought running the show.
2. Challenge it. Ask: Is this thought 100% true, or is it only one interpretation? What else could be true? Almost always, you’ll find it isn’t necessarily the truth.
3. Reprogram it — intentionally. Once you’ve named the limiting thought, don’t jump to its opposite. An extreme flip won’t stick because your brain won’t believe it. Instead, find a “bridge thought” — something more useful that you can actually believe right now. If the thought is “I’m not a very good leader,” you’re not going to jump to “I’m the best leader on this team.” But maybe you can believe, “I’m learning, and that means I’m on the right path.” You reinforce that bridge thought deliberately — writing it down, saying it before a moment you know will trigger you — until it reprograms the unhelpful thought.
To be clear, this isn’t toxic positivity. You’re not pretending the circumstance is fine or throwing sunshine on it. You’re acknowledging what’s true and choosing a more useful lens — not using it to beat yourself up, but to see more clearly.
Reprogramming Through the Lens of Insights Discovery
I also think about reprogramming through the lens of Insights Discovery and how people who lead with different color energies might approach it differently:
Fiery Red — reprogramming tends to stick best through action. A new thought sticks when it’s tied to a next step, not just something you journal about.
Sunshine Yellow — reprogramming works best through voicing it out loud to a trusted person, which makes the new thought feel real.
Earth Green — reprogramming works best through quiet repetition — writing it down, returning to it privately, without external pressure to perform the change.
Cool Blue — reprogramming works best through evidence — collecting proof points that the new thought is also true, not just aspirational.
Common Limiting Mindsets
A few patterns I see often, along with possible reframes:
Imposter syndrome — underneath it: “I got here by luck, by timing, not because of me.” Reframe: “I’m still learning this role, and learning is part of doing it well.”
Comparison — underneath it: “Their success means there’s less room for mine.” Reframe: “Someone else’s path doesn’t shrink mine. There’s room for all of us.”
Self-criticism — underneath it: “If I’m hard enough on myself, I’ll perform better.” Reframe: “I can hold high standards without beating myself up.”
People-pleasing — underneath it: “My worth depends on being needed and liked.” Reframe: “I can disappoint someone and still be a good leader.”
Notice Your Triggers
Another way to identify limiting thoughts is to notice your physical triggers — a tight chest, faster speech, an urge to defend or explain, sweating, dizziness, or trouble focusing. These physical signs are a good indicator that something uncomfortable is happening, started by a thought.
The skill of mind management isn’t about eliminating triggers. It’s about shortening the gap between the trigger and the reaction. There is power in the pause. When you notice a trigger, just pause and ask one question before responding: What am I making this mean? What else could be true? These questions alone can interrupt the automatic reaction chain.
What Do You Think?
What is one recurring, frustrating thought you’ve had? After running it through The Model, what is a bridge thought you can thing that is more useful?
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